Black Maria
by Vanus Empty
Summary: When all is said and done, Vic confesses to the only clean memory left. Spoilers for 07x13 – “Family Meeting.”


Oh, my god. This is for Yammy1983 'cause we fangirl'd for weeks waiting for this. SPOILERS FOR 07x13 – "Family Meeting." Oh, and in case you're curious, a Black Maria is a slang term for either a police car, or a police vehicle used to transport large groups of people who have been arrested. (Ripped from Wikipedia.) Or, you know, a hearse. No real story behind the title, just liked the name.

**Disclaimer:** The Shield is owned by Shawn Ryan. Yea.

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With a bouquet of flowers in hand, Vic Mackey approached the lone headstone wearily. It was night, around midnight, and the entire place was dark, the street lamps providing minimal light, but Vic could have found that one headstone blind. He sighed as he stood in front of it and forced a smile. "Hey, Lem," he greeted the desolate slab of rock.

No reply, not that Vic had expected one – hell, after today, even if Lem was alive, he doubted the blond would have so much as looked at him.

Vic licked his lips and crouched, placing the flowers upright against the side of the stone before sitting down, turning as he did so that his back leaned against the rock. He pulled one knee to his chest while the other was laid out before him. "Sorry I haven't stopped by since we gave you your Twenty One..." He rubbed his forehead. "Christ, it's only been five months since you died. Feels longer. Feels like forever."

Absently, he picked up the bouquet and played with the petal of a white flower. "Can't believe I bought you these stupid things," he muttered, mostly to himself. "Can't believe I'm even here." Vic exhaled sharply. "The things I did, Lem... You'd be ashamed. You wouldn't even look at me."

He inhaled. "Ronnie and I..." He confessed, furrowing his eyebrows. "We found out Shane killed you. Cut a bloody path to get there. We thought this bastard Guardo – you remember him, El Salvadoran with the grenades – was the one who killed you, or at least gave the hit. Turns out he didn't." He scoffed and looked to the side, staring at the green grass beside him. "Didn't find that out until after I tortured and killed him. Then we followed the clues and that led me to Shane. Went downhill from there."

Vic pulled a flower from the bouquet and twirled it between his fingers. "Blackmail, threats... Whole nine yards. Then Ronnie and I set Shane up to get him killed. We used the Armenians and the Mexicans to do it. That blew back on us, of course. Shane hired some scum bag to kill Ronnie and was gonna kill me, too. Waiting at my place, all ready for it. Almost did, but I got a call from Ronnie before I went inside." He shook his head. "Then the guy who almost killed Ronnie got caught, then Shane came into the spot light. He ran, takin' his family."

Gritting his teeth, Vic viciously tossed the flower to the side. "He killed himself," he spat, "and took his goddamn family with him. Poisoned Mara and Jackson and ate a bullet when the police busted down his door."

He put a hand over his eyes and ground out in anguish, "Jesus Christ, Lem, and Ronnie... Ronnie, fuck, I screwed Ronnie over. We were workin' with I.C.E – trying to take down a drug cartel run by this prick Beltran, trying to get immunity for all the shit we did. Shane was holding it all over our heads, using it for leverage to get information for him when he ran. When the time came, they only had my deal... I told them to shove it until they could get Ronnie's, but then the police arrested Corrine for aiding and abetting... I had to take the deal – get immunity for Corrine, too. I confessed to everything and I fucked Ronnie over so badly."

Vic drew in an anguished breath. "Turns out, though, that Corrine was working with the police to have me arrested. Now, she and the kids are gone – witness protection, against me." He wiped his eyes. "I'm never gonna see my kids again, man." His voice broke. "Never even got the chance to say goodbye."

Silence descended upon the cemetery for several moments as Vic reigned in his emotions. "I.C.E burned me, too. Desk duty. Either that or they'll arrest me for everything I did." He laughed, self-loathing in the sound. "Karma, huh." He drew in a shaky breath. "You know, man... I don't have anything left," he confessed softly as he reached behind him, removing his personal firearm from the waistband of his pants.

Laying the weapon in his lap, Vic stared at it in contemplative silence. "Half of me wants to put this to my head and blow my brains out all across your grave..." He shook his head. "But I won't. 'Cause I know that if you were alive still, you'd kick my ass all across this place." He smiled weakly, tiredly. "And I couldn't do that to my kids, even if I'll probably never see them again."

Licking his lips, Vic leaned his head back against the rough stone. "You know, at my desk, I've got your picture. Yours and a few of my kids 'cause you're the only ones I can look at now. Shane? No... I hate him, but underneath all that, I know I hate myself more. Ronnie? I can barely think about him without feelin' sick. Corrine? Hurts too much. I just can't blame her, considering all the crap I laid at her feet. I just wish..." He trailed off, not knowing what he wished for anymore.

"I ruined you," Vic confessed suddenly. "All of you." He inhaled shakily, his shoulders slumping wearily. "I'm poison, Lem... I just wish I'd have noticed it before. I destroy everything I touch. I've killed you and I've killed Shane, even if I didn't drop the grenade, or pull the trigger." Vic wiped his eyes. "I hate myself so much. I've ruined so many lives, man. Ronnie's in prison for the rest of his life because of me. A part of me wishes I was, too, just so I wouldn't feel so damn guilty."

Tiredly, Vic stood, placing the gun back in his waistband and settling the bouquet of flowers down against the gravestone where he was sitting previously. "I'm so sorry, man," he whispered to the words "Curtis Lemansky," voice cracking. "For the first time in months, I'm glad you're not here to see this because this would break your heart. You always were so much better than me, Lem. I should have left you in Juvie, never should have brought you back."

Holding his index and middle fingers to his lips, Vic transferred the kiss to the top of Lem's headstone. "I don't think you'll be seeing me again, man. I think Hell's got a parking spot reserved for me. Keep an eye on my kids, would you?" He blinked furiously, trying to fight back the sting of tears of shame. "'Cause I don't think I can anymore."

Without another word, Vic turned and left the cemetery, never once looking back.

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Ugh, I am ashamed of this, but I am compelled to put it up~! I have the intense desire to have an emotional Vic confess everything to Lem's grave, and after "Family Meeting"? How could I not? (I'm still in shock.)


End file.
